THE STATE OF TEACHING

There are 2 main sorts here in Madrid: public and private… and I´ve done both - book me in for my nervous breakdown immediately! Unlike the British system (and, I believe, the American) the primary state school system here is, as the Spanish would say, "special". "Special" is a euphemism in Spanish that means "weird". The average primary school is very well-equipped – a 2 year old Computer Room, that no-one uses, ´cos half the teachers can´t use a computer. From the age of 3, children have access to the latest educational teaching methods – "Open your book at page 22 and begin." Though what three year old understands the concept of 22? And begin exactly what? From the age of 6, homework entails "Study what we have done in class for a test on Monday". How many 6 year olds know how to study? And what´s a test? Spanish primary teachers have the general knowledge of a dustbin man (sorry to all street cleansers!) in Britain, the political correctness of a London taxi driver, and an insurance broker´s concept of child development. Many of them are of the age when professional exams for teachers didn´t exist, and the thought of venturing outside Madrid (let alone Spain!) for your holidays is still anathema to them… And God forbid that children should start looking at words and letters before the age of 6, that they should learn by discovering things for themselves, that they should experiment, that they should use their initiative, that they should think for themselves! The greatest innovation in education in recent years has been the photocopier – throw a worksheet at a child to shut it up. And school outings? There is a species of staff at zoos, farms and museums called "the Monitor" – these are young, enthusiastic, knowledgeable helpers who show and explain everything to the kids, while the teachers who brought them sit on their fat "gluteos", drinking coffees and being served lunch till it´s time to go home. On the other hand, there is a new breed of young, enthusiastic teachers (who unfortunately were educated as above) that will soon drag Spanish education, kicking and screaming, from the 19th century into the 21st! They come to courses I run for Madrid Council, and will be the topic of my next diatribe…can you wait…?

THE GREATER-SPOTTED ENGLISH RESIDENT

There is a strange breed of bird in Madrid – the greater-spotted English teacher. In contrast with the lesser-spotted American (much rarer), the blue-titted Scottish ( females are timid and have too-beautiful manners), and the variegated Irish (gaudy and gregarious), the Anglicus Anglicus is a secretive sort, preferring the "shady" cover of its new habitat.. A range of specimens include: - those migrating in search of a mate (even though they pretend they´re not) - those fleeing the nest (and mate) - those not coping in their British flock (parents, job) - those without means to feather their nest (the feathers belong to the bank). Some rarer specimens, hideous nonetheless, change their plumage to suit their new surroundings: - an altered song (mid-Atlantic drawl for the cocks, usually), - creatively-accounted past (or even present) – involving camoflage as another species (or income bracket), - or attempt entering, a flock, cuckoo-like, where their former habitat habits will go unrecognised – such as… ...the nervous twitch ...the pretence at heterosexuality ...the unusable bank cards ...complete stark raving lunacy… But it all comes out in the wash – or at least its slip is showing: wherever the migratory path, you take your distinctive plumage, song, habits, and the weather with you. ´Course, none of this applies to me – the common or garden sparrow can live anywhere!Comments, anyone?

THE SPANISH according to SOD´S LAW

A handy set of tips so that you´ll blend in… - Wear beige and Burberry (more, if you´re a woman)

- After the age of grey hairs, adopt a “blonde helmet” – dyed, styled, and rigid (not you, guys!). - Wear Ben Sherman shirts, Chinos, crew-neck jumpers tied around

your neck ( only for those aged 3 and over),

- Complain about the heat or the cold, whenever the temperature changes by one degree. Change wardrobe accordingly at a moment’s notice.

- Clean your abode in every spare moment, - Claim Child Benefit (legally) till you are 28, - Study till you´re 30, then get your first full-time job, - Live with your parents till you hit 45 and can afford to rent a flat,, - Live within walking distance of work, or else, move house, - Throw out all furniture over 3 weeks old,

- Have your rubbish collected every night at 2am, by gorgeous blokes. - Have your streets cleaned every morning at 8.30am, by beautifully made-up model types (and the women are better!). - Wander around the city at night for hours with friends, deciding which bar to patronise,

- Eat every single part of an animal, preferably in the middle of the day… - …and then wear its skin, - Drink wine, as long as it´s Spanish,

- Have the roads (and your car’s wheels) washed every week, at 3am – even when it´s pouring with rain… - Always park your car with the handbrake off, so other people can push it forward when you block them in. - Double park, and when you are blocked in, beep your horn till someone comes out of a nearby building, to move their offending car.

- Always stop to gurgle at babies in buggies, especially if blonde – the baby, not you).

- Have sex in every available public place: tube stations, park benches, because you can’t next door to your parents’ bedroom. - Support and live with your children till they are 40, and your parents and in-laws till they peg out. - Have less than 1.0 children. Spoil it.

- Never let a child near a computer till the age of consent! - Have your child pierced (ears) at birth, to mark it as female. - Go out with your first, school-met, crush for 15 years, split up, and 2 months later, marry someone completely different (even as far as their gender!)

- Get stuck in a traffic jam every Friday night (and then again, on Sunday night) for your get-away-from-it-all weekend break, - Have terrible clutch control,

- Spend every weekend in the cottage in your family’s village, handed down from generation to generation, cramped with every other member of your family. - Make sure you have 2 parents who come from 2 different villages, to spread the “crampedness”.

- Make sure you always brush (barge) past people on public transport, dislodging their bags as you do it, - Slag off foreigners (but only those from poorer countries) at least once a week (principally because they speak more languages than you, or earn more money), - Take a training course to park on a postage stamp (nudging other cars compulsory), - Aim for a civil servant job-for-life, then spend years failing all the relevant exams, - Be promoted for the years you served, not the initiative you,ve shown (or not…)

- Study English for years, and NEVER speak it.

- Be ripped off constantly by the monopolistic telephone company, complain a lot about it to everyone, except the telephone company. - Only keep a dog if you live in a 20 sq m flat (or less), and it cost a lot of money (the dog, not the flat), and it has a certificate in Biting of the Highest Order….

- …Make sure you abandon it in a park, when you go on your month-long summer hols!

- At Carnival time, do NOT dress up, just congregate in places where other people are dressed up, to gawp at. - Work all year (13 hours a day away from home) till July, then let it all hang out on a Spanish beach (God forbid that you might consider going abroad! Yeeuck!), returning home in September, depressed, - Never take "sickies", - Look up to the British for no good reason, - Be smug about the eccentricities (circa 1940) of the British, - Be slightly embarrassed about the eccentricities of the Spanish. - and despite it all, be really stable and well-adjusted!

Tick the box if you do any of the above…. Know anymore? Do I sound bitter?